Because it’s Been a While

Yes, I’ve been writing.  Just not here.  Please forgive me.  The thing is, The Lorix Chronicles began from my need to get a lot of crud out of my head.  I hoped it would help at least one other person who was dealing with postpartum depression or just the regular trials of motherhood.  It’s helped me, and, I assume from the positive feedback I’ve received, that’s it’s helped others (and is still helping others) as well.

Which is why I feel embarrassed that I haven’t posted for about six months or so.  Oops.

Anyway, this is not an “important” post, but I did want to update the few of you who read The Lorix Chronicles.  I’m doing well.  My kids are great, I enjoy being a mom now, and I feel about as “normal” as I ever have – maybe even more so.  I told my aunt this morning that I really love my medication.  I may wean off of it at some point, but a conversation with my psychiatrist helped me see that the goal is not to wean off medication – the goal is to feel normal.  I’m there now, and I’m able to enjoy parts of  my life that I haven’t in a long time.  That makes me happy.

So, that’s my update.  Now, for your viewing pleasure, a few random photos from my lovely daughter, Beatrix.

Baby in a basket (don't worry, it's not a real baby)

She's really into words right now - though she was pretty sure this said "Subaru"

One of her "studio" pictures - she poses her stuffed animals for a photo shoot

Her brother trying to feed a cracker to the camera

I think this was another posed picture - a mom and baby, perhaps?

We ate lunch today at a restaurant where you can draw on the tables. Beatrix was being, shall we say, not so great. We were eating with my aunt and uncle and she kept griping "We don't even know these people. Why are they sitting with us?" I occupied her by letting her choose colors for me to draw her a castle. See, a year ago, I would've just ordered another Bloody Mary. Now I'm able to deal with the crankiness. Thank you, Zoloft. (Of course, the one Bloody Mary I did have was delicious).

So that’s that.  I’ll try to write some more soon.  Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving!  I didn’t know if I could ever say this (and actually mean it), but I am so thankful to be a mom to my two awesome children.

Four Years with my Amazing Daughter

Today is Beatrix’s 4th Birthday. The memories of her birth and the months following, while somewhat fuzzy, are still powerful.

Like so many mothers, I thought I would feel an instant bond the minute she was born. Instead I was stricken with a mix of wonderment and fear. It was as if someone had handed me a gift and said, “You take it, I have no idea what it does.”

When Stewart and I arrived home from the hospital two days after she was born, we set her in the middle of the living room floor, still in her car seat, and looked at each other.

“So…what do we do now?” Stewart asked. More

Guest Post: Haley’s Story

I will now be featuring Guest Posts on The Lorix Chronicles, starting with this courageous story from my good friend Mimi.

It started as a lie. A lie to myself, a lie to my midwife, a lie to my husband. I wanted to tell the truth but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t want to be looked at differently; I didn’t want to be a monster that people talked about when I wasn’t present. It wasn’t my fault, I didn’t ask for this. I just wanted to feel normal and be happy again.

I was excited when I learned I was pregnant. I wasn’t always sure I wanted to have a baby, but when I found out the news, I couldn’t wait to tell everyone. My pregnancy didn’t go the way I had hoped. I puked at least 3 times a day and couldn’t stand to even be in the same room as certain foods. My highly sensitive nose was putting me over the edge. I was laid off from my job at 25 weeks pregnant and had already been in the hospital with a miscarriage scare. The scares continued with each growing week and I was being carefully observed. With each scare, the need for the baby inside me grew more intense. More

My Experience With PPD: When Intrusive Thoughts Become Harmful Thoughts

(Prepare yourselves.  It’s a long one.)

Several months ago, in the midst of sleep deprivation and Postpartum Depression (PPD), my anger became hard to control. I was angriest around nap time and bedtime, especially when those times didn’t go as planned. This was when I started to have thoughts about cutting.

When Beatrix interrupted Milo’s nap or if I was having a hard time getting both of them to sleep at night, I would become enraged. There were many times that I yelled at Beatrix, letting all my rage out on her. I knew it was misplaced anger, that my daughter was just being a typical three-year-old. I felt extreme guilt about this.

There was a night when Beatrix was pushing my buttons. Milo was in my arms, almost asleep. The lights were off and I was sitting in the rocking chair. Beatrix was in bed, still awake. More

One Year

Today is Milo’s first birthday. This past year has been wonderful and exciting, full of firsts for him: sitting up, eating solid foods, crawling, walking, first tooth, and even his first words. Yes, “fff, fff!” counts as a first word, especially since he says it any time he sees a dog (“woof, woof!”). I love watching my son grow and learn.

There are many parents who love the baby stage. I used to think that’s how I would feel, but I was wrong. Yes, I’ll miss the feeling of nuzzling my newborn. I’ll miss the tiny clothes and socks, and the toothless grins he spoiled me with. I will miss those moments that were precious and fleeting. Even so, I’ve been waiting for this birthday for some time. More

My Experience with PPD: Intrusive Thoughts

(One of my goals with this blog is to explain what my experience has been with Postpartum Depression.  This post is about intrusive thoughts. If you have high anxiety or tend to ruminate or obsess, you may want to stop reading.  Some of the thoughts are frightening and are described in some detail.)

I knew I had Postpartum Depression (PPD) after Milo was born, but I felt like it was manageable. I didn’t think I needed a support group,therapy or medication.  And then, four months postpartum, I had a panic attack and began to have intrusive thoughts

Intrusive thoughts are unpleasant and unwanted thoughts and images. They can interfere with one’s ability to continue their normal activities. They are not hallucinations. People who have hallucinations, sometimes experienced with Postpartum Psychosis, tend to feel that their thoughts are rational and may feel the need to act on them. People who have intrusive thoughts do not want to act on them. The thoughts can cause fear, anxiety and guilt. 

My intrusive thoughts were visual, like a video playing in my mind that I couldn’t turn off. The fear in me was visceral, as if someone had their grip on my intestines while at the same time pressing all the air out of my lungs. More

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