My Experience With PPD: When Intrusive Thoughts Become Harmful Thoughts

(Prepare yourselves.  It’s a long one.)

Several months ago, in the midst of sleep deprivation and Postpartum Depression (PPD), my anger became hard to control. I was angriest around nap time and bedtime, especially when those times didn’t go as planned. This was when I started to have thoughts about cutting.

When Beatrix interrupted Milo’s nap or if I was having a hard time getting both of them to sleep at night, I would become enraged. There were many times that I yelled at Beatrix, letting all my rage out on her. I knew it was misplaced anger, that my daughter was just being a typical three-year-old. I felt extreme guilt about this.

There was a night when Beatrix was pushing my buttons. Milo was in my arms, almost asleep. The lights were off and I was sitting in the rocking chair. Beatrix was in bed, still awake. More

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Sleep Deprived and Over the Edge

From last August until present, Milo has not been sleeping well and, therefore, neither have I. Up until last October, he never had a schedule or routine. Taking advice from a friend in my postpartum support group, I read the book The Baby Whisperer Solves all Your Problems, written by a British woman named Tracy Hogg. The author’s philosophy is to teach your baby to put himself to sleep. You don’t let him cry it out, but you don’t rock or hold or nurse him until he falls asleep in your arms. I liked that she took a middle-of-the-road approach, so I decided to try it.

I put him on a schedule in order to teach him how to nap during the day and sleep during the night, but I didn’t stick to the Baby Whisperer’s philosophy, which may be why he’s not sleeping through the night (she guarantees it works!). I don’t have the patience to pick-up and put-down my child for an hour while he cries. During the middle of the night. Multiple times. For several nights (two weeks, maximum!). I have learned some ways to get him back to sleep More

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